A User's Guide to CAPTAIN KIRK
by Samiferal
Summary: Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a CAPTAIN KIRK! When all else fails, you have to read the instructions - this little handbook tells you everything you need to know. Plus the package includes a free Spock plushie. Unecht  series part 2.


**Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a CAPTAIN KIRK!**

**Thanks for choosing an Unecht® product.**

Your new CAPTAIN KIRK will be a loyal companion to you, and he will help you in every possible situation of your day-to-day life. Never be bored again with the amazing new CAPTAIN KIRK!

What your new CAPTAIN KIRK will do for you:

1. Teach you the staccato talk

2. Do your homework for you (This feature is not possible for mathematics or any science, but is especially helpful in history)

3. Scream out "KHAAAAAAAAN!" on command in various notes and pitches

4. Save your life (this function will automatically be deactivated if you are wearing a red shirt) or the world

5. Teach you how to be as awesome as he is

6. Talk sophisticated computers or robots that are trying to take over your ship into submission

7. Make out with any girl you choose so you can get their boyfriend

8. Teach you cool moves such as rolling in the dirt or elegant face punches

9. Teach you how to age gracefully

10. Play 3D chess with you

11. Sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" for you

12. Give you a pep talk (because his awesomeness is probably contagious)

****Your CAPTAIN KIRK can learn a number of new activities and phrases. You can create your own individual CAPTAIN KIRK by teaching him special, unique abilities such as not interfering with other people's business, ignoring a beautiful woman or even coming up with a plan.****

Your CAPTAIN KIRK package includes the following extras:

1. Hair gel

2. A tribble (brown or white)

3. A Spock plushie

4. A USS Enterprise plushie

5. Broccoli

6. A surprise present (either a communicator, a phaser, a glommer or a bottle of Saurian brandy)

First Steps

Your CAPTAIN KIRK will come in a special cardboard box. Once he is unwrapped, all functions will be activated automatically, and you do not have to do anything further.

**Important: Do not wear a red shirt when opening the box. It will not make a good first impression.**

NB: The yellow-greenish t-shirt that your CAPTAIN KIRK will be wearing is NOT too short. It's supposed to be like that.

CAPTAIN KIRK will react to almost every possible spoken command. Begin by telling him a fixed time to go to bed and to get up, otherwise he will simply not sleep. Also inform your new friend about your work or school times.

**Do not try to convince your CAPTAIN KIRK that YOU are the boss now just because you own him. He is always the Captain. Always.**

Now, you can start teaching your CAPTAIN KIRK new abilities. If you tell your CAPTAIN KIRK to remember something, he will immediately do so. This works for phrases and words as well as physical abilities. However, CAPTAIN KIRK probably already knows more words of Federation Standard English than you do, and he has intense diplomacy skills, so you don't have to worry about these areas.

Your CAPTAIN KIRK does not eat like you do; he will be satisfied with chicken sandwiches and coffee. If you feel he is gaining too much weight, which is absolutely possible, put him on a broccoli diet.

Girls

If CAPTAIN KIRK is presented with a sufficiently good-looking woman, whether Human, humanoid or android, it is almost inevitable that he will start a romantic relationship with her.

You don't have to worry though, because usually they only have time for some kissing before the girl either dies or has to leave forever. Conveniently, your CAPTAIN KIRK will not miss them for more than a few minutes after the parting.

The Spock Plushie

One of our customers, of nom de guerre Vulcanblood, has given us important information to be included about your Spock plushie. We have reason to assume now that there is a chance some of our plushies can in fact come to life and even bond with other plushies of the Unecht® series.

If this happens to you, it is crucial that you don't try and feed your Spock chocolate. Otherwise, this might result in (and I quote Vulcanblood here) "singing and dancing and LOTS of frozen peas." We do not have a more detailed record of the effects of Spock ingesting chocolate, but we see the ones mentioned above as enough of a reason to issue this warning.

Also, if this should (ACCIDENTALLY, of course) happen to you as well, feel free to send us an account of your experiences to be included here!

FAQ

Q: "What is the purpose of these plushies?"

A: They represent the only canon pairings possible with CAPTAIN KIRK. If you don't like these pairings, keep the plushies for yourself. You know you want them.

Q: "Is my CAPTAIN KIRK able to make friends and socialise with other Unecht® products?"

A: All Unecht® products can interact with each other without further programming. However, they will not all like each other. You should consult our online customer service when planning to purchase another product.

Q: "Why am I not allowed to wear a red shirt?"

A: If you don't know the answer to that one, maybe you shouldn't have bought a CAPTAIN KIRK.

Q: "Why broccoli?"

A: Because Yeoman Rand says so.

Q: "Wait, isn't selling tribbles illegal?"

A: Why? WHAT COULD THESE ADORABLE LITTLE THINGS POSSIBLY DO TO YOU? Anyway, we're not actually selling them; they're just included in the package…


End file.
